My little man turns 2 today! So crazy! I’ve written bits and pieces of his birth story in other posts but want to write it all out together. Griffin is my second child, and I felt more prepared going into his pregnancy and birth because I’d already done it once. I quickly learned firsthand how each birth can be very different.

Mr. Griffin was due on March 3, 2017. My first was born eight days before his due date, so I kind of guessed I’d have a February baby. I spent the whole pregnancy sure something was wrong. I worried about absolutely everything. I came up with a new worry every single day the last few weeks. My husband had to talk me through a new concern every night. I think somehow I knew something was wrong; I just didn’t know what.

Every concern I had was for naught. From thinking I was having a tubal pregnancy to thinking I had gestational diabetes and everything in between. So when I started to feel like he wasn’t moving as much that first week of February, I tried to talk myself out of worrying. I’ve always been a little confused about exact kick-count numbers but spent most of three days laying on my side, drinking cold water and juice, and counting kicks.

He always kicked “enough,” at least from what I knew. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. My stomach started to feel like dead weight. I hated the idea of going into the hospital “for no reason.” I didn’t want to go alone, and my husband had to work or watch our two-year-old. I finally asked my mom to go with me.

I had a bunch of monitoring done. It was so reassuring to hear his heartbeat, but I did not get good news that night. My amniotic fluid was low, and they were a little concerned about his heart rate because they couldn’t get it to accelerate like they wanted, if I remember correctly. He was practice breathing just fine. My blood pressure was okay. They sent me home with instructions to drink a ton of water to increase fluid and come back the next morning.

I went home reassured and stayed up late drinking as much water as I could. I got up the next morning, fed my toddler breakfast, dropped him off at my mom’s, and went to the hospital. Little did I know I’d be having a baby that day.

My fluid levels dropped, the baby’s heart rate wasn’t great, and my blood pressure was high. I was 36 weeks and 4 days. I sat in that room alone for what seemed like forever. I was waiting for the final decision on induction. Everyone was sure they would induce. Looking back, they probably should have induced the night before. But when they finally told me they were getting ready to move me to a delivery room for an induction, I remember the sound that came out of my mouth. It was like a wail once I was left alone again. I was so scared. I started looking up 36 weekers knowing it didn’t matter what I found online.

I texted my mom and then tried to get ahold of my husband. He was working underground in the mine near our house at the time. He didn’t have cell reception and because I wasn’t due for a few weeks, he hadn’t yet gotten the phone number I could call to get to him the fastest. It took some calling around, and he was finally on his way.

I remember sitting alone in that giant room. I had an IV in that hurt like crazy the whole day. I had my small purse and no phone charger. I had nothing I needed. I was scared for the contractions and had heard inductions are worse. With my first I got to the hospital at 9.5 cm dilated and got an epidural. This was all new to me.

I was already 3 cm dilated, which was a good sign. Contractions started slowly. My husband showed up. As the afternoon went on, things slowly went downhill. The baby’s heart rate became more concerning. They decided to put a monitor on his head but said it was very painful and recommended the epidural first. It was way different than my first. I felt so lightheaded, like I was going to pass out the whole time they placed the epidural.

My blood pressure started to go up, and when my midwife went to check me before placing the monitor, she very matter-of-factly said she could feel the umbilical cord. Everything happened so fast after that. I had no idea what that one sentence would mean for me. Everyone jumped into action putting on bootys and grabbing equipment. Somewhere in the middle of the chaos my midwife asked if I understood they were going to do a c-section. I hadn’t. I was terrified.

You see, I’m a wimp. I have a very low tolerance for pain. I’d never had surgery, and the thought of being cut open while awake was too much for me. I’d told my midwife I wanted to be asleep if I needed a c-section. When it came down to it, she convinced me to stay awake.

They put a hair cover on me and I ended up needing oxygen. I felt very faint and so scared I couldn’t think. My husband got to wear something over his clothes and come with me. I don’t know how I would have made it through that without him. They wheeled me out the door and across the hall. I had no idea we were that close to the OR.

I remember feeling so helpless staring up at the big, bright lights on the ceiling. We had to wait a little bit for the surgeon, and everyone around me was chatting and getting things ready like it was just another day for them. The anesthesiologist numbed me up to my chest and my fingers started going numb. It was so unnerving to not be able to feel or move my body. He knew I was nervous and let me know he could give me something else if I started to panic.

I’d heard that you feel tugging during c-sections. I honestly didn’t feel anything at all, thank heavens. I tried very hard not to think about what was going on past the sheet. Once Griffin was out, I was completely distracted by him. It was hard to not be able to hold him or hardly see him. They weighed him and checked him out. He was only 4 pounds but seemed fine. They wrapped him up and let my husband hold him.

I got to see his little face and get a picture of the three of us together. When they wheeled me back to the delivery room, I got to hold him. He was tiny. I tried nursing him but was scared to hold him for too long because my fingers where still a little numb and I didn’t quite trust myself.

It wasn’t long before the nurses started noticing concerns. His temperature was a little low, so they put him under the warmer. They decided to take him up the the special care nursery (they didn’t have a NICU) for a while, and I was taken to my recovery room without him. My husband spent some time with Griffin and got a good picture of him. He’d been put on oxygen by then, but you couldn’t tell how tiny he was. We hadn’t known he would be so small. 4 pounds is small, even for a 36 weeker.

We did learn that my placenta was small, which probably contributed to the IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and the low amniotic fluid. We had been warned that he might have some breathing issues, but he ended up with a lot more than that.

That night we let our families know what was going on. My husband went home for our bags. I was honestly thinking we’d get Griffin back to us soon. I was pretty caught up in my own recovery and have no idea how I would have cared for a newborn after the c-section. The nurses started getting me up at 3 that morning, and I nearly passed out trying to walk to and from the bathroom. It took me 24 hours to be able to stand and get into a wheelchair and not feel dizzy and lightheaded. It was 24 hours before I got to see Griffin again.

In that time they found two holes in his heart. Both of which could (and would) close on their own, but it was scary to hear.

I spent my time learning to pump, washing pump parts, resting, and trying my best not to pass out when I stood. When I was finally able to get to the special care nursery, I just sat next to Griffin holding his little hand. I wanted so badly to hold him, or at least cover him with a soft blanket. It was hard to see him so tiny, dressed in just a diaper, with monitors all over and a tube in his mouth.

The next day I got to shower and made it up to see Griffin before noon. My parents brought my toddler, Mr. Sawyer, to visit, and my mom came in to see Griffin with me. It was just the two of us when the nurse tested his blood sugar and it came back “low.” My brother has diabetes, so I know what low means. And the fact that a number didn’t even show up was not good. She seemed panicked. A guy came by a few minutes later and informed us that they couldn’t handle his care and lifeflight was on their way.

My mom went to watch Sawyer, and my dad and husband came in to give Griffin a blessing. You hear about lifeflight, but it’s not something you ever expect to need. The room was crowded with people and a huge stretcher with a glass box for my tiny baby. I watched them roll him out of the room. I watched from a wall of windows while they rolled him out to a helicopter and the helicopter flew away. My husband got to go with, my parents took Sawyer home, and thank goodness my brother showed up then. I didn’t have to be alone while I waited for news.

I guess it’s hard for me to say when the “birth story” ends because for me it is more than just the six hours of labor and the c-section. In my mind it kind of lasted until he finally came home from the hospital after 39 days. He had trouble with hypoglycemia, reflux, aspiration, laryngomalacia, stridor, and ultimately got a g-tube to be able to come home.

I have several posts about his g-tube and the NICU for those interested.

Griffin’s birth was absolutely nothing like I planned or hoped. I am so grateful for how well everything turned out. He is a happy, healthy, smart little man. He is in early intervention, but has graduated from nearly every specialty he started with. He is strong, and I feel stronger for having been through it all with him.

Happy Birthday little man!!!