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When I was pregnant with my second, I had all of these plans. I wanted my toddler to be the first to meet the baby. I bought a special big brother shirt 
All of those things felt legit back then. Who knows, I’ll probably worry about some of those things next time around. But life doesn’t go how you plan. And things that seemed like a big deal can suddenly become very unimportant.
My toddler was 2.5 when his baby brother was born. I tried to prepare him. I talked about what it would be like when the baby came home. I talked about how I would have to stay at the hospital for a few days.
The morning my baby was born I dropped my little man off at my parents’ and headed to the hospital for some follow-up monitoring. I didn’t expect to be induced. I hadn’t left him with his bag packed with his jammies, blanket, stuffed animals, or favorite books. I hadn’t hugged him goodbye one last time knowing he was about to be a big brother. Nothing was as I planned.
My toddler waited 39 days to meet his brother. I wondered what he thought about it all. He talked about the baby, but I wonder how real it really was for him.
I wouldn’t have chosen this way, but there were blessings that came from the NICU for big brother.
Adjustment Period
I had been worried that the baby would come home and all of a sudden everything would be different. Having a baby in the NICU allowed for my toddler to get used to my husband and I splitting our time with him.
I went to the NICU all but one day (when I felt sick). Some days I could only stay for an hour. Some days I was there for upwards of six hours. It never felt like enough, but as a social worker pointed out, my toddler needed me too. I think it was good for my toddler to get used to sharing me without it being 24/7 right away.
Separation from Mom
I’m a stay-at-home mom. I hardly ever left my oldest with anyone before. He would sob when I would leave the house without him. He was so used to me always being there. He’d only ever really been babysat by my mom.
My husband was able to take a few weeks off work, but he had to go back before the baby came home. I couldn’t drive. Or take my toddler to the NICU. My awesome parents and siblings helped drive me and babysit. It was hard and crazy at the time, but it was good to ease my toddler into being with other people and not always having me there and all to himself.
One-on-One Time
As much as I hated being away from my new baby, it was nice to be able to focus on big brother when I wasn’t at the hospital. We played in the front yard, cooked while he sat on the counter, and played games. I was limited due to my c-section, but it was a good time to bond with him. It was also nice to have some warning as to when his time as an only child at home would end.
NICU Sibling Tips
It was tough to have two kids and never be able to be with both of them at the same time. The NICU messed with so many of my hopes and expectations. Overall, my toddler handled it really well. I kind of think it was the best thing for him. When the baby came home, I was amazed by how sweet and helpful my toddler was. Sometimes we just have to make the most of the situation we are in.
Show Siblings Pictures
My toddler wasn’t able to go into the NICU. We talked a lot about his brother. My husband and I would take turns going to see our baby and staying with our toddler. We would sit in the hallway and talk about his brother. He knew his baby brother was behind the doors, but I often wondered exactly what he thought about the situation. He had this brother that must have seemed hypothetical after all the months of him being “in mommy’s belly” and then he was “at the hospital.”
I loved showing big brother pictures of the baby. I tried to show him what the hospital room looked like and explain what everything was. I tried to make his baby brother seem more real.
Consider Siblings’ Feelings
There were days when I just wanted to be at the hospital. I felt like my baby needed me. He did. But so did my toddler. I tried to think about what it was like for him to suddenly have so many changes. We had the same talk a lot of mornings. I would talk to my toddler about how I am his mommy and about how he needs me. But then I would tell him that I am his brother’s mommy too, and he needed me too. He seemed to like that explanation. He even made comments about how the baby needed mommy.
Get Siblings Involved
I always pictured having my oldest help with the new baby. I imagined him getting diapers or giving the baby a binki. He couldn’t do those things while the baby was in the NICU. But he could help me pump for the baby. He loved putting the diaphragms in and taking them out for me. In fact, he insisted he do it every single time. I talked to him about how the baby needed the milk and tried to make him feel like a helper and understand why I needed to pump.
You can have siblings help get things ready at home and finish setting up the nursery. You can have them draw or color pictures to hang by the baby’s bed (and maybe even show them a picture of where their art hangs).
Have Fun Away from the Hospital
I think it was important for my son to have some normalcy as well as some extra fun to counteract the stress of having a baby in the NICU. During the time my husband had off work we developed a schedule. We would get up, get ready, and drive to the hospital. I would go in and spend a good chunk of the day with the baby. He would often take our toddler to do something fun.
They went to parks, drove his PowerWheels, went out to eat, and went to new places. I wish I could have been there for all of their adventures, but I think it was good for them to have some one-on-one time and to get away from the hospital. He would usually get a nap after that and then hang out in the hospital hallway with me while my husband spent some time with the baby.
Use Time at the Hospital
Because of my recovery, I couldn’t drive or lift or even walk much. So we went to the vending machine, raced monster trucks down the empty hallway, and played games on the tablet. I liked having that time with him knowing the baby wasn’t alone either. When we switched hospitals, there were new things to do. We visited the Spiderman statue at least once a visit. There was a huge playroom we could go to and activities like movie night in the auditorium. Find fun things you can do to distract from the situation and to give siblings fun experiences.
Every situation is so different. It is hard to know what will work best for each family. You might see different positives. It might be harder to see some than others. Looking back it is easier for me to see the blessings, but at the time, life was hard. I tried my best to make the most of it, but there was a lot of stress and a lot of tears. I felt so conflicted and divided. I’d already been worried about splitting my time between two children when I thought I’d have them together in the same house.
My best advice would be to take it one day at a time. Focus on the good things you can see. Know it won’t last forever. Think about how much more you’ll cherish the time when you have all your children together.
