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There really is no preparing for motherhood. For one, you have no idea what it is like to be entirely responsible for an actual human child’s well being until you are. For another, every child, day, and situation is so different. But, let me give you a little idea of what might have prepared me for motherhood. Or, you know, scared me off.
- Cover yourself in birdseed. Sit outside and try to focus on a task. The birds might come and peck you till you can’t take it anymore. They might not. Enjoy the suspense.
- Every hour wipe a little something on yourself. Dirt. Butter. Boogers. Marker. Don’t change your clothes until you go to bed.
- Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of water. Drag it alongside you whenever you are in public. Children like to walk slowly.
- As you eat, throw a little on the floor here and there. Maybe a little on the wall. Don’t try to wash it until it has dried.
- Have someone else set 3-5 alarms on your phone before you go to bed each night. Don’t look at the times. As an added bonus, change your alarm to the sound of a crying baby.
- Never close the bathroom door. Nope, not even then.
- Take your cat or dog (or a borrowed pet) to the bathroom with you. You’re not allowed to put them down. Attempt to do your business.
- Pretend the floor is lava. And by “lava” I mean don’t let your feet touch the floor for more than five seconds. Do your hair and makeup.
- Pick one popular kids’ song each day to play on repeat. Maybe you’ll start to sing and dance to “Baby Shark;” maybe you’ll go crazy. Who knows?
- Never finish a task in one go. You emptied the top shelf of the dishwasher? Good, now go fill a sippy cup with milk. Leave the milk on the counter while you go retrieve the spoon that’s been thrown on the floor. Start to mop up under the table before you have to go clean up the pee that was just deposited on the bathroom floor… You get the picture.
For the record, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Tip. Of. The. Iceberg.
Also… Worth it <3
