I’ve been enjoying the memes during this pandemic. The world is in turmoil, and we’re coping. Society makes light of things to deal with the stress. Frankly, and it may be wrong to say but, I’ve enjoyed not being alone.
So many people are talking about how it feels to always be home, to always be with their kids, to worry about germs, to find things to do without leaving the house. This has been my life for years.
I have two little boys who are 5.5 and 3. I haven’t worked out of the house since five days before my oldest was born. I’ve been home. Always with my kids. Worried about germs (thank you ever persistent OCD). Finding things to do without leaving the house. And I’ve done it all with anxiety. I’d say I have general anxiety that is especially bad in social situations. Does that mean I have general anxiety AND social anxiety? I don’t know how all the terms work.
Oh, and I have depression. I first experienced seasonal depression nine years ago. Then I developed postpartum depression after my oldest was born. It’s been over five years now. Watching the world cope with staying home during this pandemic has been eye opening. After just three weeks here in the United States people were already having a hard time with it.
I realize life during a pandemic is different from life as a anxious, depressed stay-at-home mom. I do. But the similarities between my life before and during this pandemic are uncanny.
There are jokes about people gaining weight from being home and bored. Throw in some depression and never-ending kid snacks, and I have a good explanation for why I cannot seem to lose weight. Oh, and have you seen the posts about not worrying about losing weight during this stressful time? Yeah, I’ve felt like I’ve been under this heavy fog of stress for years…
There are people saying you should use this time to do all the things you’ve been wanting to do. Write a book. Learn a language. Deep clean the whole house. It’s funny because that’s what I thought life would be like at home with kids. Sure, I have time to organize a cupboard or write a blog post here and there, but life at home isn’t as conducive to productivity as one might think.
Oh, add in the fact that my oldest was finally in school three hours a day five days a week and now he’s not. Pandemic=less time for me to accomplish things.
Then there are those voices of reason reminding us that this time is hard enough. That we don’t need to be productive. Live. Spend time with your family. Rest. Survive. YES. That’s about all I can generally do. This makes sense to me.
I’m seeing that my life at home with little kids and few friends and little social interaction is actually really hard. Maybe after more than five years, I’m doing okay. Maybe coping with depression and anxiety while running a house and taking care of small children is enough.
So for me, I’m choosing to be happy with “good enough,” whatever that looks like each day. Some days I do want to do extra: organize a closet, clean the pantry out, paint the railing. Some days we do the minimums: eat, change clothes, watch TV, and survive. There’s always something more we could or “should” be doing. ALWAYS. And sometimes the stress of that mere fact is enough to unravel me. So here’s to trying to be more content with the way things are.
