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I never, ever thought my husband would travel for work. We’d even talked about it and agreed we could never do that.
Never say never. Seriously. That has backfired on us several times.
As life tends to go, my husband did have to travel. His company’s contract ended and the only work they had was out of state. Ideally he would have found another job, but our little g-tube/laryngomalacia baby had a lot of appointments and needed a lot of medical supplies. My husband made good money and had good insurance. We decided he would travel for just a few months.
I dreaded the day he would leave and was in a bit of denial about the whole thing. Even after he left for his first hitch away from home, I kept hoping he would hate it enough to quite. I know, I’m terrible.
I know there are a lot of reasons spouses travel for work. And I know a lot have to travel longer and farther and for years and years. After nearly 8 months of working 20 days and being home 10 (minus travel time), my husband quit without telling me and surprised me at home! Looking back, I’m not sure how we made it. But I’ve learned a lot and hope my experiences help someone else.
Tips for Surviving a Traveling Spouse:
Write notes for phone calls
I’m sure this isn’t the case for everyone, but my husband worked as an underground driller, meaning he didn’t have phone service for at least 14 hours a day. We typically talked on the phone twice a day: once before the kids went to bed and once later for a little longer.
Throughout the day I often thought of things I wanted to tell him or ask him about, but I would forget them. I started writing myself notes on our white board or a sticky note. It felt strange to have to read off my notes to talk to my husband, but it helped! Sometimes I even sent him text messages throughout the day as I remembered something… and he’d just get them all when he finally got reception again.
Send mail (if you can)
This was one thing I was really excited for! A few days after my husband left for the first time my three-year-old and I put together a fun care package. We sent some of his favorite snacks, holiday treats, and pictures my three-year-old made. Sadly, the package never made it to my husband because apparently his address didn’t exist… or something like that.
BUT, it was fun to get surprise letters from my husband! So it can go both ways.
Stay busy
Find projects to work on. I love having a goal, and I love seeing progress. When my husband would get ready to head back to work, I would start my list for when he would be gone. I would write things to do around the house (painting, hanging decor, printing new family pictures for the wall…) as well as fun activities to do with the kids. It helps to have something to focus on and look forward to.
Surprises
On the subject of staying busy… I LOVED finding ways to surprise my husband when he got back. I would try to find something he wouldn’t expect to be done and not tell him I was doing it. For example, I painted our railings, baby gates, and fireplace all during separate times he was gone. I hung a bunch of things around the house instead of waiting for him to do it. I painted and redecorated the bathroom (which you can see here). It made him coming home that much more exciting!
Keep a list of accomplishments
I actually saw this on another blog (I’m sorry I can’t remember where!) when I was looking up tips. I can’t take credit for this idea, but it was so helpful. I hadn’t realized how much my husband did or how much I relied on him for. There are a lot of things I learned that I probably should have known anyway. I didn’t actually write out everything, but I kept mental notes of things I was proud I did without him.
There were simple things like taking over trash duties and remembering to put the can at the curb every week. There were things he would totally have dealt with better like when my oil light came on and I had to pull over and take care of it or when the check engine light came on and I had to take it to Auto Zone to get the code. I started mowing the lawn and learned how to use wall anchors and hang curtain rods and shelves and pictures. I cleaned out the fireplace, dug up the flower bed to pour cement, and bought and installed a new car seat.
I know these things might seem silly to some, but they are things I didn’t worry about myself before. In a lot of ways, I feel like I really needed this experience to grow and trust myself.
Take care of yourself
Taking care of two little kids by myself for three weeks at a time took its toll. My patience would wear thin and I would feel myself trying less to keep everything clean and have fun activities. I started trying harder to fit in time with friends, even if it was late at night at my house while the kids slept. I sometimes asked my mom to babysit for a few hours just so I could go get something to eat and read a book. I indulged in a few more treats and often left the house a disaster just to feel like I wasn’t so stuck in a relentless cycle.
Make a plan for fun things when your spouse is home
This one is pretty explanatory. Give yourself, your spouse, and your kids something to look forward to. This also helps you to make the most of your time together. Every day doesn’t have to be jam packed, but try to fit in the things you’ve been missing out on or the seasonal activities you love to do as a family.
Send lots of pictures (especially with kids)
It’s hard to stay connected to your spouse when you never see each other. It’s also hard on kids to never see a parent. Every two or three nights I would send a handful of pictures of the kids to my husband. He had more things to talk to our three-year-old about, and it helped him to feel connected, too. When our son would bring home work from preschool, we would take pictures and send them to Daddy. My three-year-old actually started requesting that I take pictures of things to send.
It was also awesome when my husband had pictures to send home. There was a lot less variety in his days, but he would look for different kinds of trucks and construction vehicles in and around the mine to send to our truck-loving boy. He would take pictures of himself in his hard hat or working at his drill so we could see what it was like there.
Make sure to fit in date night
We haven’t been very good about going on dates since we had kids. But as he got ready to leave the first time we realized we really needed that time to connect. We’ve started trying to think of more creative dates because so many of the things we think to do also sound really fun with our kids!
We got into a routine and would go on one or two dates every time he was home. Even if it was just to get fast food and hang out and talk.
Still do fun things
This one may seem obvious, but I think it’s worth talking about. When I tried to think of things to do with the kids, so many of them sounded like they would be fun to do with my husband when he got home. I didn’t want him to miss out or the kids to not do things with him. I quickly realized how much I needed to do myself. Three weeks can really drag on if you don’t have something going on. Look up community activities. Go to the new park. Take the kids out to eat just you and them.
We went trick-or-treating without Dad. We went to the Christmas festival without Dad. We played in the fall leaves, went sledding, built snowmen, made Christmas candy, went to the zoo, did art projects, celebrated my son’s first birthday, and went on an Easter egg hunt… without Dad. That’s life. I’m glad we have fun memories. Even if my husband missed a lot.
I know having a traveling spouse is different for everyone. But I don’t doubt it’s hard for everyone. Focus on the things you can do and the ways you can make your situation better. The time will pass whether you are sad and frustrated or happy and enjoying life.
