I fell off the fitness wagon. Again. I can’t even count the number of times that has happened. After several days of binging on brownies, soda, licorice, and pizza, I felt awful. Bloated. Ashamed. A little hopeless. I mean, how many times can one reasonably start over again trying to lose weight?
Don’t worry. It’s a rhetorical question.
Try, try, try again, right? Right. As I sat on the recliner contemplating taking new “before” pictures and measurements and trying to lose the same 3-5 pounds I lost three weeks ago, I decided to scroll through old pictures to motivate me.
I hate the way I look in most pictures. Buuutttt…I guess one benefit to being a mom is that basically 97% of the pictures of me from the last four years have been taken by yours truly. But even though most pictures of me are selfies, I still don’t love the way I look.
To my surprise, as I scrolled through dozens of pictures of myself, I was struck by how good I looked. I’m not trying to brag or anything. But I usually had my kids in the pictures with me, and I looked happy.
I scrolled through what turned out to look like a beautiful life. So many fun adventures with my kids. Dressed in fluffy coats and knitted hats, playing in the snow. Making silly faces with my three-year-old. Babywearing my one-year-old while he held things in my face as we shopped for his first birthday party. Getting big, wet kisses from my shirtless baby. Hanging out in doctors’ offices with my NICU grad. And so, so, SO many pictures of my children sleeping in my arms.
A beautiful life.
I got so caught up in the memories that I almost forgot why I was scrolling through all of those pictures in the first place. I wasn’t focused on my weight anymore. I didn’t notice my rolls or wish my pants were a few sizes smaller. I realized I had thousands of wonderful memories documented. I realized that while I was so focused on putting myself down and feeling awful about my body, my kids were enjoying cuddling on my lap, playing in the snow, and sticking their tongues out and laughing with me.
I am going to lose weight. I am going to take care of my body and get in shape. Seeing all of those pictures did motivate me. Just not how I expected. I want to feel good about myself when I lose 50 pounds. But I want to enjoy my life in the meantime.
I want to really feel all of the smiles in all of the pictures from now until those 50 pounds are gone. I want to live my life now instead of waiting till I think I should be happy.
